Movie

I just went and saw the movie I can only imagine. I’m not a religious person. But it was a fabulous movie with a great lesson I guess is the best way I can put it.

Forgiveness is very hard.

While I was in the movie I had my sister and my son texting me calling me to find out if I was OK. I’m sure because I turned off my find Friends app. I’m fine on the outside. Sometimes you just need to be alone. You need time to try to process everything. Try to get your head on in the right direction to see what the next step is. Been trying to figure that out since last May.

I’m here in the new house and the new job. I need to find a way to make it work. I just haven’t been able to do that yet. And I keep having a folders it feels like rolled in front of me while I’m trying to figure it all out. By myself.

Don’t get me wrong I have family. I have family that cares deeply. But none of them can understand what I’m going through. They’ve never had to deal with anything like this. My whole life was uprooted with a chain of events. Now don’t get me wrong I know I’m not the only person this is happened to. And everybody process things differently. In your own way. I’m just having a hard time.

Two today. Wow

Decided to walk home alone from moms. Tired of the bs from the kids and others. I just feel so alone. My sister tried to follow me and asked me to get in the car. I just wanted to be alone.

She said she called my hubby and yelled at him for being gone so long. Ya still no call from him so I guess he’s not that concerned.

Decided to stop and watch a movie. Alone.

I vow to write every day. If even just to clear my thoughts.

Movie starting.

Too long

It’s seems like ages since I’ve written. I think about it and then my mind trails off.

Today is Easter. Hubby has been on the road for 2 weeks.

Mom spent 3 days in the hospital last week due to pneumonia, aspiration and a UTI. After getting released the culture showed it is resistant to the antibiotics they gave her. He ordered her urine be checked after discharge. Ya not done yet at the nursing home. Frustrating. I’ve called for a meeting with her primary care for next week to try and address our concerns.

It’s almost been a year since moms accident. She’s upset she hasn’t progressed more. We’ve been told by many people that she’ll never leave this place. I try to be optimistic with her but it’s hard.

We now have to deal with her storage again. We need to go through stuff again to get rid of. So we can get her stuff to fit between my house and my sisters. Daunting.

My daughters prom is coming up soon. She’ll be coming up to go dress shopping. She has decided to go with her friends. She’ll be here for a week. I’m really looking forward to her visit. I miss her horribly.

My job is going ok. It’s work and it keeps me busy. And usually my mind off the negative things. But it’s not the job I really want to be at. Every time I talk to the doctor, my old boss, it makes me miss being there even more then the mind starts trying to find a way to make working down there work. But I know it’s not possible from here.

Frustrating and upsetting. I’m so activated today. I just can’t get enough out.

And being alone does not help how I feel.

First blog post

Lets see… we moved back to Sacramento area in July.  I’ve been here before, many years ago.  It was not planned.  Well maybe far in the future but not at this stage of our lives.

You’ll hear me vent, cry, complain, shout, whisper, jump for joy, laugh and have fun.  I needed a place to share my thoughts, concerns and life in general.  This may never be read by anyone but me, and I’m ok with that.

I’ll give you some back ground.  We used to live in the San Francisco bay area.  I’ve lived there most of my adult life.  I loved it there.  I was happy there.  I loved my job.  My kids were happy.  Two grown, one in high school.  Then life took one of those curves you don’t see coming.   In April my mom was in a really bad accident.  We are lucky she lived.  She spent weeks in the trauma ICU and now resides in a skilled facility.  We don’t honestly know if she’ll ever leave.  I drove up on weekends as much as I could.  My sister was doing the day to day things for her since she lived in the same town.  Which wasn’t fair, but we were dealing with it the best we could since it’s just the two of us.

Then in May came the 60 day notice to vacate the house we had been renting for 22 years.  I won’t lie we had a great rent situation.  Houses in the area rented for at least twice as much as we were paying.  All were out of our price range.  We made the hard decision to move up north to be closer to family and help with my mother.  There were a few problems that came with that move.  I had to leave my job.  And my 16 year old daughter had to decide whether to move with us or live with her dad full time.

I thankfully stayed on with my employer as a very part time employee, but not enough to pay the bills so job hunting I went.  I applied to so many job sites and temp agencies I lost track.  Very few call backs.  I finally got a break when one of the agencies called about a temp job in accounting.  Not my field, but coming from medical billing and office manager I had basic accounting knowledge.  I’ve now been there for 3 months and may be hired on permanently.  Not the job I was looking for, but for now it’s ok.  I’m still doing work for two doctors for billing.  Medical office and medical billing is all I’ve known for over 20 years.

And my 16 year daughter, she is living full time with her dad.  So I went from sharing my daughter 1/2 the time to being the every other weekend parent.  Big blow to me.  But I understand.  I was 16 once.  She has her school, friends and sports.

That’s the gist of where I am so far.  All be it the cliff notes version.